An Unrelenting List of Things I Have Done As a Crazy Dog Mom
I don’t necessarily have anything to prove. Being a Crazy Dog Lady (yes, capitalized) has pretty much always been my M.O., even before I had my own dog. But, when I finally adopted Jonathan, I have approached only what I can describe as my final form. Now I have my own dog to do everything I want for. I could go absolutely nuts. I could revolve my entire life around this one special dog. Now, I am that crazy pet parent, and just for the heck of it, here is an ongoing list of insane things I have done for my dog in the year and a half that I have had him:
My dog has his own bedroom.
I specifically rented a two bedroom apartment so my dog could have his own room. And I didn’t even have a dog yet when I signed the lease.
I have bought him his own piece of large furniture (yes that futon is his and it is in his bedroom).
He has a bed for every room even though I let him sleep with his head on my pillow.
The dog has a state of the art memory foam bed. My bed? I don’t know, I bought it off Craiglist*.
My dog’s bedroom is decorated with pictures of himself and pillows with his face on them.
He has an entire shrine (gallery wall) of artwork and photos of his face that has stretched to two walls.
I have commissioned artwork of him dozens of times even though I’m an artist myself. I just want to see how other artists capture his aura, you know?
I have his face tattooed on my body.
I also have plans for a second tattoo related to him.
I place Chewy and Amazon orders in his name so they are addressed to him so I can say “Jonathan someone sent you something!”
My dog truly thinks literally every box delivery is for him… because it usually is.
He always has at least two full toy boxes because I feel like I have to make up for the one year he lived without any toys.
I bought a “bigger” toy box to fit all of his toys in one, only to realize it was immediately full, so I had to have more than one anyway.
I have fully maxed out my credit card due to dog purchases, then paid it off just to do it again.
My partner has explicitly told me to “slow down on the dog purchases”.
He has his own shelf in the pantry
I have made him his own gourmet dinner more than once. I ate a bagel for dinner while he feasted
I cook vegetables for him because I know how he likes them prepared
I buy him his own watermelon weekly because it’s his favorite food
I have made him birthday cakes by scratch
I have planned his birthday six months in advance.
I have coordinated random play dates over Instagram with people’s dogs whom I’ve never met. Remember when they said never to meet strangers from the internet? They never said anything about dogs.
Got my dog casted in photo shoots. You can catch him in Target ads.
Wasn’t surprised when he was good at dog modeling because “I always said he had star power, baby”
Immediately began referring to myself as “the Kris Jenner of Dog Momagers” upon booking his first gig.
Removed my own coats from our coat closet to hang up my dog’s sweaters.
I bought him a hand knit pure wool sweater. I call it his Harvard Sweater.
I have had his things monogrammed with his name.
He has a legal first, middle, and last name.
His last name is mine, not my partner's.
I hand made his Halloween costume and had it planned a year in advance. I then entered him in every virtual dog costume contest I could find that year. He won two.
Ordered a completely custom measured raincoat for my dog - which cost twice as much as my own winter parka.
I have spent extra money on pet cabs to make sure he’s comfortable while riding around the city.
I have caught my dog’s puke in my hands (with a towel) more than once. One of the times being in a pet cab.
I have bought him his own luggage.
He has his own separate set of travel bowls, bed, crate, etc. which are different from his regular set of bowls, bed, and crate.
Gone on vacation specifically so the dog could “see the beach” for the first time.
I have seriously considered flying my sister in from Arizona to babysit him on trips because I don’t trust anyone else to “understand him”.
I essentially bullied his daycare into installing a live feed camera.
I have the live feed daycare camera bookmarked on my computer, my work computer, and my phone.
I stream the live feed daycare camera on my television during the day when he’s there.
My annual physical? I’ll schedule that later. My dog needs a booster shot in a few months? Let me schedule that IMMEDIATELY.
A friend jokingly asked if he had a doggy dermatologist… then I seriously considered finding one “just in case”
I have used PTO to do dog things.
I have quit my job for my dog.
Then got a new job in the pet industry because of him.
I couldn’t handle not knowing things about his puppyhood, so I found out his entire life story solely by finding his old rabies tag.
I was also able to find out about his littermates. I am still actively trying to find out where they are now.
Jonathan has his own email address
Jonathan has his own PO Box
And Jonathan has his own website with an accompanying blog where I write about him
I am only associating myself with people who can relate to this from now on. Make sure you come back for an updated list as I continue to lose my mind.
*I did not actually buy my bed off of Craiglist but the sentiment of putting the orthopedic needs of my dog above my own is there.
